Nigeria, U.K. (or 419 scam revisited)

Apparently there was a family reunion I didn’t know about in London in July 2005. Sadly, many of my little-known relatives seem to have been in the Underground the morning of July 7, and the Kendall clan was sorely decimated that day. And I didn’t even know it. But thanks to some enterprising law firms, it may turn out well for me… if only I reply to confirm that I share the same surname (and provide a few other pertinent details). Yes, according to e-mails I have been getting lately, many people with my surname must have died in that disaster, leaving large sums of money and no heirs (presumably they all perished with them.)

But, what’s that you say? The same has happened to you? And you have a different surname? Good heavens, that July weekday must have been a hotbed of family reunions…

Or maybe not.

I used to actually enjoy the letters I got from terribly earnest Nigerians and their broader African neighbors, couched in the most whimsical English. I started to save these e-mails, in fact, because they came from such very impressive personages (or their wives). Why, I received mail from Mrs. M. Sese Seko (and her son Moshood), Mrs. Hajiya Mariam Abacha (and her son Mohammed), Mr. Charles Taylor Jr. (and his cousin Mac Johnson Bonida), Mr.Kelvin Chuli Savimbi and many ministers of agriculture and petroleum, as well as high ranking bank officials from Capetown to Rotterdam.

The letters had fallen off in frequency these last few years, and I’d begun to feel neglected. I missed expressions such as:

Forgive my indignation if this message comes to you as a surprise and if it might offend you without your prior consent and writing through this channel.

Or,

We will sign a binding agreement, to bind us together. I got your contact address from the Girl who operates computer.

And,

I HAVE NO DOUBT ABOUT YOUR CAPACITY AND GOODWILL TO ASSIST ME IN RECEIVING INTO YOUR PERSONAL BANK ACCOUNT (FOR SAFETY) THE SUM OF US$32,800,000.00

And

I WISH YOU THE BEST IN LIFE (GENERALLY) AS I AWAIT FOR YOUR POSITIVE

RESPONSE.

Those were the days.

So imagine my surprise when I opened mail last week from Campbell Law Firm, expecting it to be some tedious newsletter I got automatically signed up for or a pitch for a tangentially relevant legal-security story… only to be met with the news of my possible relative’s demise and this explanation:

Over the years, we have worked indefatigably and uncompromisingly to locate any of the relatives of our late client and all to no avail hence, the need for this correspondence.

Man, they just about had me at indefatigably. Well, except for the fact that the surname was never mentioned… and that I was the “last resort,” though it’s not an uncommon surname. And that the only Campbell Law Firms that Google turned up were in Mt. Pleasant, North Carolina, and Mineola, Texas, not Bethnal Green, London, E2 OAH…

A few of these missives came my way. And though the offers on the 7/7 theme were a long time in coming, I suppose the flurry is over now. Yet again I will let my chance for riches pass. The world’s ongoing disasters will before long sprout the next crop of shysters and their extravagant phraseology. The only thing they have to offer is amusement for the language nerd.

–Sandy Kendall