Scanning the Security Classifieds

[Editor’s note: Nearly every month somebody takes Debriefing seriously. So we are compelled to mention THESE ARE NOT REAL JOBS.]

Certification Manager Urgently Needed

Can you explain the difference between CPP and CIPP? Have you framed your ISECOM OSSTMM and your ISC2 CSSLP? Do you know which four BC/DR certs together form an anagram for SPINY ECHIDNA?

Join our team and help our experienced security professionals gain and maintain their professional certifications.

Hurry, because our HR department can’t make heads or tails out of this stuff.

It’s All About The Numbers

You’re all about providing value. You can spin gold from straw using an abacus and an Underwood. You’ve got ten-plus years’ experience building dashboards and proving the worth of security measures from the boardroom level down to particular firewall rules. That makes you the perfect match for our Security Value Guru post.

Responsibilities include:

• Selection and validation of appropriate financial value metrics from among thefollowing: TCO, ROSI, EVA, NPV, OPM
• Initial capture and analysis of operational data from our security systems, with translation into action items
• Production of daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, annual and centurial reports in spreadsheet, PowerPoint and laser/lightshow formats

This is a ground-floor opportunity—right now we’ve got nothing!

Hiring Surveillance Video System Analysts (seven positions open!)

We’re an old-school manufacturer with a new-era mind-set, and a smart company deserves a smart surveillance system. So we just replaced four very expensive guards with a state-of-the-art intelligent video system.

Now we’re looking to tune the system, eliminate false positives, analyze camera angles, manage MAC (moves, adds, changes) activity, optimize network performance and compression schemes, spec out storage requirements, and create a 10-year continual upgrade technology road map.

Apply now—we need to fill these seven reqs to start maximizing our manpower savings.

VP of Cloud Stuff

You’re our man or woman if you can answer these questions:

• Where is “the cloud”?
• What should we put there?
• How will this affect our SAS70s and our PCI/SOX/GLB/C-TPAT/DCID/HSPD12 compliance?
• IaaS, SaaS, PaaS, GraaS, private, public, shared, community, cumulonimbus—Jiminy Cricket what’s going on here?
• Why again is this different from regular old outsourcing?

Security Czar Finding Program Sunset Manager

Whew, finally found somebody to take the Cybersecurity Czar position.

Now we need an experienced project manager to help us dismantle the Cybersecurity Czar Finding Program Office.

Temporary position that must wrap up within two years, in case we need to restart.

Infosec Twitter Liaison (full time)

You know what we really need? What our security department really needs is for somebody to spend all day using Twitter to provide the entire world with updates on what technologies we’re implementing, what mistakes we’re making, and how stupid our users and nonsecurity IT people are. Interested? Just tweet to @wiggy107.

For real job listings, go to our security job board.