Five Questions All the Queen’s Men

Comedian Aaron Barschak crashed Prince William’s 21st-birthday party at Windsor Castle last year (dressed as Osama bin Laden in an evening gown) to expose lax royal security. It was just the latest in no fewer than a dozen security breaches suffered by the royal family since the early ’80s, nine at Buckingham Palace alone.

In order to find out exactly what’s going on with the House of Windsor security staff, Debriefing went straight to the top: the Queen’s Guard. Following is a complete transcript of a hard-hitting interview with one of the Guardsmen stationed outside the palace.

Debriefing:Let’s get right to the point: How have you addressed the security weaknesses that allowed Barschak not only to crash Prince William’s party, but also walk up to the future king and kiss him?Queen’s Guard:Debriefing: I see. Tell us this, then. How is it possible that a reporter using fake credentials could get a job serving the queen breakfast and then take pictures of all the weak security points at her residence? No background check? No surveillance? Huh?Queen’s Guard:Debriefing:This’ll make you talk: In 1982 Michael Fagan actually got into the queen’s bedroom. In ’94 a naked paraglider landed on the roof of Buckingham Palace. In 2002, a drunk knocked on Princess Anne’s bedroom door at St. James’s Palace. I could go on! How does this happen over and over? I mean, we’ve seen Gas n’ Sips that have better security.Queen’s Guard:Debriefing: Are the hats hot? I mean, I would think bearskin doesn’t breathe well in the summer?Queen’s Guard:Debriefing:[Waves hands in front of guard’s face, whistles and snaps] Okay, a priest, a rabbi and a lawyer walk into a bar…Queen’s Guard:Debriefing: Fine. You win. I’ll go ask the Beefeaters.