I’ll take “Big Brother” for $100

June 2005. The Total Information Awareness (TIA) program, led by John Poindexter, has suffered major public relations catastrophes during its ramp-up. To ameliorate bad press, the feds have approved a costly upgrade that will give TIA a customer-friendly CRM front end and enable a win-win for spooks and ordinary citizens alike. Following are early examples of customer outreach from the program, dubbed MySurveillance.com.To: Winston Smith TIA Database Monitoring Zealots (TIA-DMZ) Your Recent TravelMr. Smith:

From:

Re:

We note that you’ve been to Ibiza within the past month. Part of Spain, yes? As you know, that’s a country friendly to U.S. interests. Good for you for supporting its economy! Were you aware that it’s the off-season there? And that locals call it “uh-BEETH-a”? We note you had the paella at Ugo’s Cafe Mandarina. Can you get it vegetarian?

Best regards to our little coalition builder!

John Poindexter

“Surveillance for Well-Being”

To: Julia Green TIA Color Codes: Advisory of Legal Limitations (TIA-CC:ALL) Re: Upcoming TravelMs. Green:

From:

Re:

In response to your query on why you’re labeled as a Red Traveler, meaning we forbid you to fly from your home in Blue Ridge to Yellowstone during the current Orange Alert, we’re blushing scarlet on this one. You were initially rated a Green Traveler. But your last name is Green, so to avoid confusion, the database changed you to a Yellow Traveler. But since you were traveling to Yellowstone, the database switched you to Red. Not to worry; we’ve got a fix: We’ll put the country at Blue Alert, change you to a Green Traveler for your trip to Yellowstone, move your home address to Red Rocks and switch your last name to Taupe.

Sorry for any inconvenience!

John Poindexter

“Making Social Progress Through Monitoring”

To: Alex TrebekTIA Francophobic Unit (TIA-FU) Last Night’s EpisodeMr. Trebek:

From:

Re:

This is your final warning. The inclusion of the category “From Paris to Cannes” (or as you put it, “from Pahhree to Can”) during Double Jeopardy last night was unacceptable. Credible intelligence also reports that you deliberately placed an Audio Daily Double in this category just so you could play Edith Piaf singing. Cease and desist immediately. In lieu of such categories, we suggest the following: Great Moments In Democracy, Supply Side Economics, Patton! or Potent Potables.

Finally, sources also tell us that tonight you plan to make the Final Jeopardy category “Touts Choses Quebec” and that you plan to pronounce it “KAY-beck” instead of “kwa-BECK.” Reconsider, or face the consequences.

Soft cheese is for sissies!

John Poindexter

“Securing Liberty at any Price”