DHS Terror Alert Scale, Localized

If it's broke, fix it! Instead of scrapping DHS's color-coded alert system altogether, we humbly submit this remedy.

July 01, 2005 — CSO — Table shows new threat level designation - and recommended actions - for each location.

Washington, D.C.	Green	Blue	Yellow	Orange	Red
Greenwich, Conn.	Hedgerow Moss Have dinner party	Lakeview Reflections Maybe just invite the Cabots	Morning Moon Lock outer gate at end of the cobble drive	November Pumpkin Call broker about defense stocks	Christmas Velvet Board yacht, steam to Halifax
Orlando, Fla.	Jiminy CricketTM Give a little whistle	AladdinTM A whole new world	The Lion KingTM Be prepared	The IncrediblesTM Missile lock	BambiTM Tragedy in the meadow
Boston, Mass.	Lahhry Bhirrrd Pahty wicked hahd	Tawm Brady Go home aftah happy owah	Bawbby Oah Head to New Hampshuh, but don't take the Pike to 95, stay on 93	Doug Flutie Take the T ovah Billy O'Brien's; hide in old bawmb sheltah down cellah	Schilling's Sawk Hell freezes ovah
Napa Valley, Calif.	Pinot Grigio Easy, drinkable; perfect for relaxing on veranda by the chimenea	Chardonnay Buttery with oak finish, good after long commute in 5-Series Beemer	Sauvignon Blanc Aromatic with pronounced smokiness, nice when in-laws visit you in Carmel	Cabernet Complex, with austere tannins, uncork after CEO gives Richards your promotion	Shiraz Seductive with bold plum flavors, a big red that goes well with the end of the world
New York City	Hhhhonnnnk! Go Already!!	Pffffth! Get Outta tha Way, Wouldja?!?	Bahhst! HEY! I'm WALKIN' HEAHHH!	Whohhhh! [Unprintable]	'Scuse me? Are You Talkin' to Me? Are YOU Talkin' to ME??